You know the meme about how kids have to take naps and go to bed early and protest it, but that’s all adults want to do? That’s Maisie’s and my relationship with sleep.
Maisie has just point blank never liked sleep – from the first week, up to now at two and a half years old. She seems to think she’s missing out on the best things when she closes her eyes. Which is tiring for us parents!
In her first weeks she didn’t like being put down at all. She’d sleep for ages being held, and for a decent chunk if your arm/hand was on or next to her. Once we started swaddling her she was happy to sleep in a bedside cot, and just woke up for feeds every few hours.
We transitioned her to sleep sacks without much of a change, and then when she stopped breastfeeding she’d need a cuddle to get her back to sleep when she woke in the night. Sometimes she would want to be cuddled the rest of the night. As she got older and we moved her to her own room (thinking that would maybe help), bedtime started getting trickier. She would fall asleep being cuddled, but it’d often take a while. Then you could transfer her to her cot. But when she woke in the night you’d have to cuddle her back to sleep again. We had a sofa bed set up in her room so that we could lie down with her to do this.
In November 2022, we decided to move Maisie out of her cot. She had climbed out of it once in the middle of the night, and when we lowered the cot base we then struggled to place her into it after she’d fallen asleep. I was spending the majority of five nights a week in her room – we had added a mattress topper to the sofa bed, but it still wasn’t super comfortable for that amount of time. We did a bed re-shuffle, sold the cot and Maisie now sleeps on a double mattress on the floor in her room. From around January/February 2023 she slept through at least every other night, probably more. And now, any nights I do end up with her, it’s at least more comfortable!
She seems to like the extra space of a double bed and not being trapped by the bars of a cot. However, she now has the capability to just wriggle off the bed and explore her room. We made sure the room was safe – one night I checked the monitor and couldn’t see her on the bed, on closer inspection she’d silently rolled off her bed and was happily sleeping on the floor. After that we got a bed guard. Thankfully she stays on her bed once she’s asleep, she even waits for us to come and get her in the mornings. The tricky thing for a long time though, was getting her to stay on the bed while going to sleep, which happened most nap times and many bedtimes.
Just before Christmas 2022, Maisie started to skip a lot of her naps. She seemed a bit sick, maybe teething and with the change of bedroom scenery it all just added up to messed up sleep routine. Bedtime got later and later as the naps did too, and we ended up with her not going to bed until 10pm some nights, then waking up after 8am. Which is rough because Tom and I then got no time just the two of us in the evening. Things started to pick up a week into January and naps became more normal again, but then in February we went back to no-nap days more than nap days, and this persisted until around June.
Maisie was pretty much guaranteed to fall asleep in the car – I planned all of our excursions and visits around getting a nap in on the journey, but the days we weren’t going anywhere she would mess around in her room and refuse to sleep. One day it hit me that I had spent an hour trying to get her to nap at home, then got in the car to drive her to sleep which took half an hour, then parked up outside and waited for her to wake up, and she napped for an hour and a half – so that day, I spent three hours on the mission of Maisie having a nap. And that day was the same as many other days that week/month/last couple of months. It suddenly became clear that this was ridiculous.
Granted, it was nice to have a bit of time to myself in the car – I’d listen to music and either scroll instagram, catch up on messages, or even do some creative writing. But it wasn’t the same as having an hour to myself at home – having a solid chunk of time to be able to catch up on chores, sit down and finish a drink with no interruptions or watch a bit of tv.
Tom and I decided it was time to try not enforcing the nap any more. I’d give Maisie her cup of milk and we’d go to her room and see if she wanted to sleep but if she didn’t, we’d let it go for the day – at least having had a little rest.
Googling it, it seems 18 months is pretty young to entirely drop naps altogether, but that really seemed the right option for Maisie. We went on holiday in July which kind of threw our new normal out of whack for a while as we were all just a little tired from travelling and sight-seeing, so the days Maisie napped, she’d stay up til 9.30-10pm, and then sleep til 8.30-9.30am.
Eventually, by November 2023, we settled into a rhythm where if she napped, she’d have a 9-9.30pm bedtime, and wake up around 7am, and if she didn’t it’d be a 7-7.30pm bedtime and she’d sleep for about 11-12 hours. The only time she’d nap would be in the car, so I’d have to time any car journeys just right to either have her nap or not nap, and if it was the former, time them so she’d get a decent amount of sleep. It turns out, even if she only slept for 15 minutes, in Maisie’s eyes that was a nap, and she’d only need 10 hours sleep that night.
2024 has so far brought us doing everything in our power to not let her fall asleep in the daytime. It means staying local, giving her toys and her tablet if we’re in the car for more than 15 minutes after 2pm (but not for more than 20 minutes as she’ll be sick…) and sometimes having someone ride in the back with her to give her a prod.
Not sleeping has massively improved Maisie’s nighttime sleep, but we’re still looking at a 2am ish wake up 2-4 nights a week, and also the occasional 2 hours of awake time in the night (usually 4am-6am then back to sleep til 8am). We’ve tried figuring out rhyme or reason or some kind of pattern but there just doesn’t seem to be one! Is it overstimulation, under-stimulation, not enough exercise, over-tied, hungry, thirsty, cold, hot????? Who knows!
I’m currently aiming for a good level of stimulation during the day, a bit of tv/rest time after lunch, getting out of the house for a run around of some kind every day, and trying to be a bit more routine with meal and snack times. Our latest attempts at promoting good sleep is using a nightlight, and giving her a slice of toast as part of her nighttime routine. We tried a weighted blanket one night but she wriggled out of it and then cried like I’d betrayed her when I tried to re-cover her, and she sadly whimpered “sleep sack back” to me after she’d calmed down – so I’ve 180’d on that one for now.
The last few nights, out of nowhere, Maisie has slept 12.5-13.5 hours straight. The first night she didn’t even whimper. I honestly don’t remember the last time that happened. She’s taken to having a little cry/whimper but putting herself straight back to sleep. I’m under no illusion that this is going to be permanent change, and fully expect all of our sleep to be interrupted again. When that happens I will continue on my mission to figure out the answer to the question that keeps me up at night: why won’t my child sleep?
Got any magic tips? Let me know!
Ellen Wiggins 